manipulated and ghosted my boyfriend

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I(18F) manipulated and ghosted my boyfriend(17M) to get out of the relationship. Need advice on how to stop feeling like shit

Throwaway account because I do not want my friends finding out this post.

PLEASE READ THE EDITS BEFORE COMMENTING

Before you read the post, yes, I know I’m a hundred percent to blame here. I’ve felt like shit and will never repeat this again in my life.

I have known “Robert” for a very long time. We have been going to the same school since 10 years. About an year ago, we got really close and he revealed his traumatic past to me. He had utterly chaotic childhood and very bad trauma. He was depressed and suicidal at this point of time.

I lent an ear to him, for five months, I listened to him and his experiences every single day, whether in person or on text and made sure he would sleep and eat, etc. We got really close at this point and he confessed his feelings to me. I liked him too, but I did not want to get into a relationship because school is my priority right now. Nevertheless, I did confess to him(FIRST MAJOR MISTAKE). But I did tell him very clearly that I do not want a relationship right now. I told him that, yes I did have feelings for him but I do not want to act on it. Or make a relationship out of it

This is where things escalated. The day after I told him that I did not want a relationship he said that he could only open up to me if he felt “love” between us. Otherwise he wouldn’t open up to me or tell me about his depression or anything else.

Now, I was his only support system, so I decided to go along, setting my priorities aside. (SECOND MAJOR MISTAKE). Looking back I should’ve never done it, considering I never wanted a relationship. I tried bringing it up to him that I really do not want a relationship right now, but i always chickened out. Once I even told him, that we should probably date after he’s fine and he goes to therapy and gets help so that things would be easier. But then he asked to end things then and there and said he would drop out of therapy and never go. Now, I was totally ok with him not sharing his feelings with me. But the moment he said he would drop out of therapy, I was really afraid that his mental condition would get worse. So I went along with the relationship. I would tell him that I love him, and that I see a future with him, etc.I was unhappy as fuck. Not with him. But with the fact that I set aside my priorities.

He knows, that telling me that he will drop out of therapy will send me into a frenzy. But he isn’t the manipulative kind. He did this only once or twice. It was me who went along with the relationship.

When he would come home, he’d always ask for hugs. And I even initiated a kiss once. Which I definitely shouldn’t have. I was basically playing with his feelings.

Now recently, I figured things were escalating way too much. So I made up fake personal problems. I told him that my parents were getting divorced and that my grandparents passed away and I started ghosting him under the pretext of “I’m mentally not ok and I need time”.

I did this because if I’d directly tell him that I do not want a relationship, he would drop out of therapy and would fall back into his previous depressed state . I like an absolute idiot, did all the coupley-relationshippy things even when I knew that I definitely did not want a relationship

I manipulated him and I feel like shit. I will never do such a thing again. Any advice on how to stop feeling like shit will be appreciated.

Edit: just to make things clear, the guy just said that he will drop out of therapy once or twice. He was never manipulative. I though, was constantly at his back asking him to open up, and to tell me about his struggles. He has a VERY BAD self esteem and believes that he does not deserve to open up or be heard. In a way , he was pushing me away but I kept going back to him as I wanted him to open up to me. But I didn’t want a relationship

Second edit: the one or two times I told him that i do not want to be in a relationship, that was when he said that he would drop out of therapy

TLDR- I ghosted my mentally depressed almost-boyfriend after leading him on because he would not share his feelings with me and would drop out of professional help if I told him directly that I did not want a relationship.

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